THE BAMON BITCH SLAP HEARD ROUND THE WORLD.

(Warning: lots of swearing. Anger does that to people.)

Those who follow my tweets know about my strong displeasure for the Vampire Diaries and the masochistic compulsion to keep watching. It’s the ten-car pile-up on the freeway where traffic slows to a crawl in both directions, because EVERYONE wants to see the carnage. That, my friends, is the Vampire Diaries in a nutshell: the detached head that rolls out of the driver’s side window; the blood-curdling screams as the vehicle bursts into flames. It’s just gruesome and I can never unsee what I saw, but I can’t look away.

I’ve held my tongue for a while on the breathtaking stupidity of this show. But the blatant selfishness of these characters has forced me to come out of witness protection to write a post about it.

I’m going to ignore the “we’re not teens, so I don’t see the point in pretending to go to high school or study” thing. I’ll overlook the utter lack of parental guidance or ever-growing body count in this sleepy town that the Feds don’t even bother to investigate. And in all sincerity, I could give two—count them—TWO shits who Elena hooks up with this week. Because I have no respect for her. She’s too weak to cross the street on her own, she self-centered, hypocritical, boy-crazy, and oblivious to the turmoil of her friends. The worst of her sins is that she’s boring, right down to her hair style. She’s not even interesting enough to make me sick. So let’s move on.

My top-grade Angus beef is with Bonnie. Bonnie needs to die. Not because she’s a useless character. It’s because she deserves better and offing her would be an act of mercy. She has the WORST friends in the history of television. I’ve seen more loyalty in the Hunger Games.

I’m not involved enough to waste time to ship characters together and I especially don’t care who Bonnie swaps spit with. I’m actually relieved that there are no sparks flying with her and Damon. This recent episode Damon sums up the reason why in eight words. “I don’t give a crap about Bonnie Bennett.” 

Now given the situation he was in, he could have been lying to gain leverage or it could be some form of foreshadowing for future episodes. And let’s face it; it’s Damon Salvatore, the hottest, most repugnant bag of douche water on the show. It’s right up his alley. But it doesn’t make the statement any less poignant. Because No One gives a crap about Bonnie Bennett. NO ONE. 

Her own parents left her to fend for herself, even when her grandmother and sole guardian died. No one calls her or visits her unless they need a spell done and she continues to be this convenient plot device that they pull off the shelf when Elena needs saving again. She is the most powerful and effective human in Mystic falls, possibly the world seeing as half the witch population is related to her (side note: why?) and she allows people to treat her like crap.

Who busted Katherine out of the tomb at the cost of the only person who loved her? Bonnie. Who brought Jeremy back from the dead, at the risk of her powers and mental health? Bonnie. When Klaus drained Elena dry for his hybrid ritual shit, who casted the father/daughter spell to bring her back to life? Bonnie. Who’s the most important player in finding the cure for vampirism? Who’s always thinking about the greater good of the human race and is the voice of reason among a league of immortal preschoolers. Who is the cause of half these fuckers on the show to be able to walk around in sunlight? Bonnie! I can go on, but I think I’ve made my point.

Some may argue that it’s a race thing. “Let’s slap around the magical negro,” but I can’t make that call anymore, because they TREAT CAROLINE THE SAME WAY. (Seriously, how many times is this bitch going to get kidnapped? It’s Princess Peach in Super Mario bros. Pointless plot device.)

But back to Bonnie. I’d given up on the show staying with the source material right around season one. In the books Bonnie was white, so I can understand why the producers want to keep their token character for as long as they can. Gotta keep everything all PC these days. In the books Bonnie and Damon have a “thing” and we certainly can’t have that kind of open-minded modernity on the show. Hell, the Bonnie and Jeremy situation ended as quickly as it began.

 

I beg of you, just kill her and be done with it. Let the monster squad fend for themselves for a while and leave the Delena and Stelena teams to their angst. She is the only female backbone on the show, the only moral compass who can make a decision and stick to it. Give her and epic send off and let her rest in peace, because she deserves more than the meager scraps that the writers tossed her way. She’s better than that. We all are.