Prude-tude

Dear Virgin Female Protagonist,

I think I speak for all sexually active teens in the world when I ask you to kindly remove your head out of your rectal region and dismount your high horse. Your time in the convent may have skewed your world views or somehow erased the memory of what century you live in, so allow me to introduce you to the twenty-first century with wide internet access and highly sexualized television shows.

  

No one is asking you to put out for the entire football team, and from the way you piss and moan about how plain you are; no one is interested in you in that capacity anyway. What we do ask is that you don’t turn your nose up at every single girl who so much as French kisses a guy in the hallway. Not everyone is as frigid as you are and they have as much right to explore their sexuality as you do to abstain. Calling someone a ‘slut’ or a ‘skank’ is not going to earn the respect of your peers. In fact, it will just make you more of a social cripple than you already are.

Though your choice to wait until you’re in a steady relationship is admirable, your prudish philosophy is not exactly realistic. Innocence does not equal complete ignorance and sexual exploration does not equal whoredom. There are a ton of virgins out there that are absolute perverts and the two aren’t exclusive. Which lead me to my next grievance…

No matter a person’s prerogative, there’s one thing that is a constant about the big Do. EVERYONE knows how to do it. Blame it on the media or peer pressure, but there is NO way a child over 13 doesn’t have a general idea of what goes where. So what’s your excuse?

I take it you never had a single health class in your life. Do you not have cable? Your disposable friends never shared embarrassing and often exaggerated stories with you? Are your parents that awkward that they never gave you the ‘talk’? Exactly how many years have you spent in that bomb shelter? Inquiring minds want to know, because you fumble and squirm by just kissing a guy. There’s performance anxiety, there’s that first-time awkwardness, then there’s that cringe-worthy apprehension reserved for kids who just saw their parents naked. Guess which category you fall under?

In conclusion, your lily white status doesn’t make you the paradigm of ethical values. You know why? Because in a few chapters on, when that hot guy suddenly decides that he loves you for some inexplicable reason, sex will be all you’ll be thinking about. All that moral posturing will fly out of the window and you’ll be a reckless, impulsive horndog just like the rest of your peers. 

Hypocrisy is a tricky and wondrous thing.

XOXO