YA Girl Hit-List

While preparing my “Dear Teen Me” letter for Miranda Kenneally, this inherent need to vent came upon me. Like most nostalgic adults, I read YA to escape the mundane routine of bills, idiot bosses, and grown-up responsibilities in general. When my means of escape starts to piss me off that’s when I whip out the machete. So let’s get this massacre underway. Let me introduce you to three chicks that get on my nerves, though I’m pretty sure you’ve met them already in some form or fashion.

The Bitch For NO Reason: The title is self-explanatory, but I’ll summarize for those sitting in the cheap seats. This chick’s sole objective in life is to bring turmoil everywhere she goes. Why? Because it’s Tuesday. She talks about people, steals boyfriends, sabotages lives and reputations, all while maintaining perfect hair. You usually see her as the head of a clique of equally shallow girls, or on the arm of the most popular guy in school. As much as I love female villains, this wench needs to die, slowly, and here’s’ why. She has no backstory, no substance or motive than the obvious plot device. Is she ignored at home? Are her parents serial killers and she picked up her sociopathic behavior from them? Did her victims pull a “Carrie” on her at last year’s dance? What’s her motivation?

The C*** Tease: I hate this chick and every date-less boy in school can share my disdain. This is the girl who will lead a guy on, knowing full well she’s not interested. She has a ton of guys at her disposal, but only has eyes for the abusive ass-hat who won’t give her the time of day. All nice, sane, well-adjusted males are thrown to the wayside, used as a comfort pillow when her relationship goes sour, and then thrown back into the Friend Zone when she gets back with her twu wuv. She, too, must be destroyed. Publicly. Preferably by fire. It ruins a perfectly nice guy for the rest of us, because he’s too busy chasing after her indecisive ass to notice ME!! Sorry. Got too personal.

The “I Hate My Life” Introvert: This neurotic whiner needs to be kidnapped, dropped into a third world country with no passport, and left to find her way back home. Then, and only then, can she complain about how much her life sucks. I fail to sympathize with a pampered suburbanite with two loving parents, just because she feels different. Welcome to high school, sweet cheeks! EVERYONE feels that way. Maybe if you pause your inner monologue long enough to talk to other kids, you’ll see that. This is also the girl who swears up and down that’s she’s hideous, but gets asked out every weekend. She’s never experienced the joy of her thighs rubbing together, or had to deal with those annoying rubber bands around her braces, or having to work for pocket money. Oh yes, my heart bleeds for her.

Out of all three of these train wrecks, what really gets my feathers ruffled the most is that these girls are MAIN CHARACTERS!! A good angst-ridden story wouldn’t be complete with at least one of them making a guest appearance, but as the PROTAGONIST? And authors expect me to relate to this character? Really? Let’s not do this, people, and if you do, please allow these brats to learn from their mistakes. They should set an example of what not to emulate, instead of something young girls should aspire to become. High school is just a blink in the vast scope of life, and pissing people off in the real world will make said life very short.

The more you know…